The Spice of Life
by Sathaeri
Summary: When Harbinger attempts to assume control of an actual human, such as the Ol- I mean, Jacob, things can really spiral out of control... Total ME2 crack. Don't shoot me.


_**A/N:** Don't ask. Inspired by a video on YouTube by a user named luckycharmer711. And by reading Made Nightwing's "The Most Interesting Man in Mass Effect." Oops! Forgot to add this: I do not own Mass Effect or teh Spice._

* * *

An insectoid creature waddled around its hub, twitching its scythe-like hands.

A screen before him displayed Horizon. _Shepard._ She was there, and that was all he needed.

Another scene showed the view of someone behind her. _Perfect._

"_I am assuming direct control._"

**~o~O~o~**

Jacob stopped for a minute. There was this weird feeling creeping up his spine. He shook his head, but everything was fading fast. No one else noticed.

"Great, more Collectors," Miranda spat. "How many of them are there?"

"It doesn't matter," said Shepard. "Either way, we're gonna kill them a–"

"Hello, ladies."

Shepard froze. So did Miranda. They glanced at each other, then turned around very slowly.

Jacob stood there with a ridiculously handsome smile plastered onto his face. "Look at your man," he said suavely.

Shepard had no choice but to look at a Collector.

"Now back at me. Now back at your man. Now back to me."

Shepard looked at Jacob. Then at a Collector, then back at Jacob.

"Sadly, he isn't me," Jacob said. "But if he stopped using ladies' scented body wash and switched to Old Spice–" He whipped out a random bottle of Old Spice. "–he could smell like he's me."

"What the hell," said Miranda.

"Where'd that come from?" Shepard demanded.

Jacob didn't answer. "Look down," he ordered.

Shepard had no choice but to comply, as Jacob's voice was so persuasive and smooth that she had to look down.

Grass. _Where are we? Oh yeah, Horizon–_

"Back up."

She looked back up. Miranda gasped. They were on a boat.

"You're on a boat," said Jacob, stating the obvious, "with the man your man could smell like."

"The hell is going on here?" Miranda muttered to Shepard.

"I have no idea. But I think I like it."

Miranda paused. Finally she said, "Me too."

"What's in your hand?"

The women looked down. Pistols.

"Back at me. I have it. It's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love!"

"That... _thing?_"

"Ohmygod, I love that thing."

"Shepard, you can't be serious. We don't even kno-"

"Look again."

Miranda couldn't stop her jaw from hitting the ground in time.

"The tickets are now diamonds!" Jacob announced triumphantly.

"What the–how–"

"–goddamn it–"

"–Jacob! What in the–"

"Anything can happen when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady," he interrupted.

"He does smell nice," Shepard admitted.

"Goddamn it," said Miranda again.

"But you did smell him, ri–"

"I'm on a horse."

Jacob was on a horse.

"Weren't we on a boat?" asked Shepard.

"What the hell is going on?" said Miranda.

"I'm allergic to horses."

"Wait, where did those diamonds go? Are we on a boat?"

"Are we on a horse?"

"No, he's on a horse. We're on a boat."

"The horse is on a boat?"

"No! We're on a boat and he's on a horse."

"But he was just on a boat. The horse has to be on the boat."

"You mean the boat is on the horse?"

"I'm allergic to boats."

"What 'thing' do we love?"

"So, the boat's on him who is on the horse?"

"I don't kn–"

"_Releasing control of th–_"

"Wait!" Shepard yelled. "I've got it. We're on Horizon."

"No we're not," Miranda argued back. "We're on a horse."

"Jacob is on the goddamn horse! We're on Horizon!"

"The horse is on Horizon? Then where's the boat?"

"_Releasing cont–_"

"We're on the boat!"

"But you just said we were on Horizon."

"Yes, we are!"

"Is the boat on Horizon?"

"I don't know!"

"You just said you did know!"

"_Releas–_"

"Is he on the boat or the horse?" asked Miranda.

"I think he's on both."

"The boat is on him who is on the horse."

"Wait. He's doing the boat?"

"There's no way a boat can be on a horse–"

"The horse is doing the boat?"

"No, it's Jacob who's on the boat and the horse."

"Impossible. You can't do two things–"

"_**RELEASINGCONTROLOFTHISFORM,**_" a deep, metallic voice said really quickly.

"What'd I miss?" said Jacob.

"_**ASSUMINGDIRECTCONTROL**_."

"Oh my Go–"

**CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE**


End file.
